The Incredible Shrinking Man

 

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I recently had a complete physical, and the doctor gave me some good news, and some bad news. The good news is, I’m in excellent health. He said, if I keep taking care of myself, I may live to be a hundred years old. The bad news is, due to the effects of gravity, normal wear and tear on my body, and the aging process, I’m rapidly shrinking!

Just a few years ago, I was a towering, mountain of a man, at an impressive six-foot one inches tall. For Halloween, I used to dress up as that enormous, ugly giant, from the Jack and the Beanstalk fable. Now, I’m barely hanging on to the six-foot mark. If this keeps up, within a few years, I’ll be trick or treating with children, and be attired as a Munchkin from the “Wizard of Oz.” On the bright side – think of all that candy, I’ll get my tiny little hands on. Oh, oh; I just thought of something. My height is dropping like a rock, but my waist size keeps increasing. Does this mean that by the time I’m sixty, I’ll most likely resemble – a bowling ball?

I begged my doctor to give me some kind of growth hormone, or something. Maybe, something like Viagra, but it makes your whole body bigger. He told me there was nothing he could do. As part of the inevitable march of time, the disks in our spine lose water, and compress and shorten, the arches on our feet begin to flatten, and our posture isn’t as good due to muscle and bone loss. He also explained that during each subsequent decade after we reach forty, we lose a quarter to a half an inch in height.

Oh, my God. If this keeps up, I’ll soon be shopping for clothes in the toddler department, eating off the kiddie menu at restaurants, fighting with my grandchildren over candy, during the annual Easter egg hunt, using a stool to turn door knobs, and downsizing to a doll house when I retire!  What’s even worse, is that you’ve never seen my wife drive. I guess you already know who’ll be riding in the back, in a car seat. Yes – tiny man!

After getting the sad news that I’ll be slowly, but surely shrinking, as I get older; I looked down at my diminutive doctor, who barely reached my belly button. I then, scratched my head and said,

“Doc, somethings been bothering me since I came in. Didn’t you used to be the starting center on the 1968 men’s Olympic basketball team?”

Do you think my doctor could be mistaken? Maybe it isn’t aging, but a curse my wife put on me. I could be like one of those shrunken heads, primitive cultures hang up, and display as trophies. I can tell you one thing. I might just survive all this shrinking, but my ears and nose haven’t been getting any smaller. As a matter of fact, I think they’re getting bigger! If this keeps up, in ten years, I won’t have to buy a Halloween costume. I’ll just go every year to parties as a miniature goblin.

I guess, the only thing to do is accept shrinking as a natural part of life and move on. On the bright side; I will get a cool toy with all those happy meals, I won’t hit my head on low-hanging tree branches, and I’ll save on gifts for future grandchildren. I’ll just climb in a shoe box, have my wife wrap it, and the kids will think they got an ugly-looking Ken Doll for Christmas.

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About Patrick Dykie

I'm a simple, middle class family man, living a quiet life in eastern Pennsylvania. As you can see from my picture, I just became a first-time grandfather. I love to write and make people laugh. I'm trying to be a full-time writer. I've faced some things over the past few years, including health problems that have slowed me down in my dreams, but I'm back, and writing again. Over the past few years, I've written a number of books, but none have been published. That's about to change. I will be self-publishing "Simple Observations," through iuniverse in the next few months. I'll keep you updated on its status. Thank you for coming to my site. I hope you enjoy the visit.
This entry was posted in Getting Older, Simple Observations. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to The Incredible Shrinking Man

  1. zeckrombryan says:

    That iconic scene from a very old movie, I could remember the little man there, shrinking into nothingness in the end of the movie, and the romance that they had in the movie. Back to your writing, it is very expressive, very wonderfully penned out. Hope to see more from you. Have hope, write on!

    • Thank you. I appreciate your very kind comment. I will have new stories every two or three days. I’m working on one for tomorrow . I also have a book called, “Simple Observations” coming out in a few months. It is similar to the blog, but the stories are longer, with more everyday subjects.You can see some snippets from the book here, under “simple observations – the book”, or at my authors site. Just click on the book in the upper right corner of the blog. Thanks again, and take care.

  2. Ste J says:

    You make it sound like in a few years you will resemble Dobby the House Elf, is there no hope?

    • Thanks for visiting and following my site. I think you got it right. I forgot about Dobby from Harry Potter. I’m halfway there already; so I think it’s just a matter of time.

  3. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Your comment was funnier than my story. Don’t worry – I’ll save some candy for you, and they’ll be some extra room in the doll house. You can even bring your cute and precious dog. We’ll use her to protect us from rampaging mice.

  4. ivors20 says:

    This is indeed sad news, woe is me, I’m five foot four and quarter, and now you tell me I’m going to shrink, well you think you’ve got problems, oh woe is me, feeling like eighth dwarf already, oh woe is me….

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