This may sound a little crazy, but I think my wife is trying to drive me insane. The other night, right around bedtime, she was watching a nature show. I asked her what it was about. She said it was a documentary on polar bears, and their struggle to survive in a rapidly changing environment due to global warming. The strange thing is, after I yawned and said, “goodnight;” she looked me in the eye, and in a quiet, yet eerie voice said,
“Do you know that polar bears like too……… eat people?”
I didn’t think too much about it at first, but when she got into bed a little later, she said in the same quiet, mesmerizing voice,
“It’s true. An adult polar bear is the only bear which will purposely stalk, attack, kill, and devour a human being.”
As I was slowly drifting off to sleep, I sensed her move closer to me. I’m not quite sure, but I swear she whispered something in my ear. It was jumbled, and didn’t make a lot of sense, but it sounded like,
“White Bear, huge, teeth, eat, man, can’t escape, yummy.”
Maybe you can guess how my night went. I awoke a few hours later drenched in sweat, and still shaking from a horrifying, and disturbing dream about being chased down and consumed by dozens of ravenous polar bears. In the dream, they also trashed my gas-guzzling truck, while roaring something about excessive carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.
The next day, I read an interesting article in a magazine about dreams, and how our minds are extremely vulnerable to suggestions right before bedtime. It seems we dream during what’s called REM sleep. This stands for “Rapid Eye Movement,” due to the fact that our eyelids flutter during this sleep stage. The article talked about how dreams can often be determined by sensory stimulation before we go to sleep. If we read a book on a certain subject we will often dream about it that night.
It took me a while to put it all together, but I’ve come to realize my wife, through some insidious, diabolical, and yet unknown master plan, has been messing with my dreams. I probably haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks. I’ve also realized that she’s been saying things to me right before bedtime for at least two or three months. Sometimes what she says make sense, and at other times it seems like nonsense. A week ago she passed me in the hall, and said,
“Vampires suck the warm blood of the living to quench their insatiable thirst.”
“What in the heck was that all about?” That was my first thought, until later that night, when my dream world was swarming with soulless, evil creatures of the night with large and sharp canines, dripping with red and viscous blood. A few days ago as I brushed my teeth, she blurted out, “Wolf Pack.” Yes, you guessed it. I awoke screaming as I floundered through six-foot snow drifts in a hopeless race, as the howling of a pack of merciless and hungry wolves drew ever closer.
I better get going. It’s almost bedtime, and I’m trying to avoid my wife, so she can’t give me some suggestion that will influence my dreams. Oh, oh, I hear her calling me.
“Honnneyyyy………… you have to come see this. There’s a movie on the Sci Fi channel about mother-in law zombies. It is so cool.”