The Evolution of Christmas (#8)

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     Like most of you, I love the Christmas season. Recently, I celebrated my twentieth wedding anniversary, and it got me thinking about, not only my marriage, but how Christmas has changed for me over the past twenty years.

I have a few questions for all you couples out there. Has your, wife, partner, husband or significant other, ever said to you,

“Honey……. What do you say we don’t get anything for each other this Christmas? Maybe we can use the money we save, to take a vacation this summer.” Have they ever said,

“I don’t need anything. Your love is more than enough.” What about, “What do you say, this Christmas we make a $50.00 limit on what we buy each other?”

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Honey….. Maybe it’s Time to Think About That Will (#7)

 

I read a story about a recent study by researchers at the University of California. Scientists, using data and questionnaires from people over fifty, devised a checklist to predict a person’s chances of living another ten years. They called it, “The 10-yr. Mortality Risk Score.” Pretty scary, Huh? If your numbers are too high, you better get that gym membership, start eating healthier, and hope for the best.

The first two items on the researcher’s checklist were your current age, and your gender. I can understand the one about gender. Women on average live seven more years than men. I figure, God knows what he’s doing. After living with me for thirty or forty years, my wife’s going to deserve a break.

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Wasting Away at Christmas (#6)

     

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     Is it just me, or does Santa Claus seem to be getting skinnier every year? I just saw him ringing a bell for the Salvation Army in front of Wal-Mart, and he looked like my Uncle Earl, a few months after his gastric bypass surgery.  You would think, after eleven months of vacation, he would have bulked up a little.

     I know we live in a health conscious society. I also know that losing weight and eating right is good for our health. I may even want to lose some weight this Holiday season, but come on; not Santa! Santa’s always been big. Every year he eats billions of cookies, and drinks millions of gallons of milk. He’s magic. He can handle the extra calories. He can fit down your chimney, can’t he? 

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Bad for You, but Oh so Good (#5)

 

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Have you heard about the new government regulations requiring some restaurants and other venues to start listing calorie counts, fat content, and the amount of sodium in every single menu item? This includes sodas and alcoholic beverages.

I have a few questions. How much will all this cost? Who do you think is going to pay for the huge expense of all these new government regulations? Do you think it will make a difference in obesity rates? I don’t know about you, but I already know what’s good and what’s bad for me; I don’t need a reminder. When I pull into the Burger King Drive through, I already know from experience, that delicious double whopper with cheese, crispy fries, and an ice-cold coke are pushing me one step closer to emergency bypass surgery. If I see a sign showing calories, fat, and sodium content, I doubt I’ll say,

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Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beholder (#4)

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I just read an article that listed the top ten American cities with the ugliest people. It also showed the ten cities with the most attractive people. The two lists are the result of a recent survey by readers of Travel and Leisure magazine. The purpose of the survey was to gauge the magazine reader’s perception of the most and least attractive people they had encountered while on vacation.

The good news is, it was a limited survey by readers of just one magazine. The bad news is, my city of Philadelphia is number five on the list of facially challenged cities. I guess that explains the shortage of mirror salesman, the large number of people with bags on their heads, the explosion in the number of plastic surgeons setting up residence, and why eHarmony and Match.com have pulled all their advertising off local billboards.

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Get Out of My Wayyy…..! (#3)

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I’ve wondered about something. How can we celebrate Thanksgiving with family and friends, feel the incredible warmth and love of those around us, hold hands, pray, pull things we are thankful for from the very bottom of our souls, and then mere hours later….. ruthlessly run down any living creature that gets in our way, as we desperately search for sale-priced big screen TV’s? I don’t even know why they call the start of the official Christmas shopping season, Black Friday. A better name would be,

“Wow, I can’t believe people stuffed with turkey could run so fast, Friday.”

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Be Sure to Flush (#2)

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     I just read a story on the internet, about a house in Hollywood, California, selling for 195 million dollars. It features 25 acres of land with a vineyard, and a house with 53,000 square feet of living space. Included in the house is a 15,000 square foot entertainment center, a bowling alley, Turkish spa, 3,000 bottle wine cellar, 12 bedrooms, and 23 bathrooms.

Hey, wait a minute. That can’t be right. Did I just say twenty-three bathrooms? Unless you’re a multi-platinum selling rapper, with an enormous entourage of burrito lovers, or a billionaire with a severe bladder problem-that seems like overkill to me.

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Mirror, Mirror on the Wall (#1)

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     While driving my son to school today, I noticed how he kept looking at himself in the passenger-side mirror above the dashboard. I was the same way when I was a teenager. I wanted to make sure my hair was perfect, nothing was stuck in my teeth, and the big dab of Clearasil was covering the huge pimple on my forehead that wasn’t there the night before. I looked over at my son, smiled and said,

“Adam, why do you need a mirror to see how you look? I thought that was what mean girls were for.”

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