Unchangeable Laws of the Universe (#126)


     We’re all aware of the many unchangeable laws of Physics that govern the intricate and phenomenal workings of the universe, and thus our everyday lives. We all learned in school about Sir Issac Newton’s experiments with apples to determine the effects of gravity, or his third law that states,

“For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

I’m not an expert on physics, but I think it means, don’t beep your horn at the huge guy in the pickup truck in front of you who looks like a grizzly bear wearing a baseball cap. I know you’re late for that appointment, but the gun rack, empty beer bottles in the truck bed and the confederate flag on the rear window, may just give you a clue to take a deep breath, and relax. I do know about Albert Einstein’s famous “Law of Relativity.” It means that without fail, every distant relative you haven’t seen all year will show up on your doorstep unannounced on Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.

I decided to write down a few of the other immutable laws that we don’t read too much about, but inevitably seem to rule our lives.

Have you ever seen the equation NTG = EA/DTB? This is what’s known as an inversely proportional mathematical equation. In layman’s terms it stands for “Need to Go (NTG) is proportional to the Distance to Bathroom (DTB), with an Embarrassing Accident(EA) as the constant.” It’s also one of the little known, universal laws of physics.

Try this experiment sometime. Either drink a gallon of soda, or eat five Taco Bell Burritos, wait an hour, then go to the nearest mall. Now, start heading for the bathrooms which are usually a mile away on the second level at the food court. You’ll soon notice, as the distance to the bathroom decreases the need to use the approaching facilities will increase exponentially. Eventually, you’ll be at a full sprint, while simultaneously holding your legs together, and praying for an empty stall and a full roll of toilet paper.

Have you ever wondered why people on religious missions will knock on your front door at the worst possible moments? You may have also noticed that even though we spend less than 2% of our lives naked, there is a 75% chance we will be fully unclothed at the exact moment we peek outside to see smiling people with Watch Tower magazines in their hands patiently waiting at our front door. I say patiently, because they know you’re inside, and will wait for hours if need be.

They also never show up, right after you’ve just had a spiritual epiphany, finished memorizing the entire Bible, or witnessed beautiful angels along with a burning bush in your backyard next to the fish pond. No, they’ll show up right after you stubbed your toe and cursed like a sailor, were watching a passionate, nude love scene on HBO, or by some miracle, your partner was frisky, and had agreed to spend some quality time with you. How about some of these laws of nature.

Why, on Halloween, at the exact moment you run out of candy and reach for the switch to turn off the porch light, do two-hundred adorable children in magnificent costumes with enormous candy bags knock on the door? How many times have you raced for an empty checkout line at a grocery store only to have the checker turn off their light and say, “Sorry I’m closed?” Let’s not forget that we never miss a traffic light if we’re heading to our mother-in-law’s for a social visit, or the doctor for a complete physical and colonoscopy. On the other hand, if we’re running late for an important job interview, driving to cash in a winning lotto ticket, or rushing to the hospital due to a severe and painful kidney stone; guess what?  Yes, we miss every single one. I guess we just have to live with those immutable laws of physics.

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About Patrick Dykie

I'm a simple, middle class family man, living a quiet life in eastern Pennsylvania with my wife and two sons. I love to write and make people laugh. During the day, I'm an account representative, and at night I'm working hard to be a writer. I've faced some things over the past few years that have slowed me down in my dreams, but I have always been an optimist. I also have a love of life, and believe it is a precious gift. I wish you all well on your own journeys.
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4 Responses to Unchangeable Laws of the Universe (#126)

  1. ditchthebun says:

    I have always loved this quote “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
    Very well written, I really enjoyed this post particularly the toilet equation!

  2. colonialist says:

    Oh,, and how true it is that one can ‘hold it in’ over hours of a car trip, but the last dash to the toilet after leaving the car is fraught with peril!

    • ditchthebun says:

      It is so true!!! That bit had me laughing because it is almost like as soon as you make the decision to make your way to the loo your body says, ‘ok we go right now’.

  3. colonialist says:

    These are simply some of the variants of the laws as set out by our dear friend Murphy, are they not? :)

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