Is it just me, or have any of you noticed that everything seems to be shrinking these days? It’s either that, or I’m slowly but surely getting bigger. If this keeps up, I’ll be a giant in no time. By next year I’ll be shopping in the big and tall store, turning sideways to get through doorways, and possibly playing right offensive tackle for the Green Bay Packers. Even cars seem to be getting smaller. My wife just bought a Prius, and I pulled a muscle in my back squeezing in. It was so small, my head was nearly touching the roof and my stomach was pressed up against the steering wheel. I’m surprised there weren’t thirty or forty clowns jammed in the back seat, asking for a ride to the circus!
Even my clothes are getting smaller. I used to wear large-sized shirts, and now XL are tight on me. Either my wife is shrinking my clothes in the dryer, or Communist China has an insidious and diabolical plan to subvert western culture by messing with our minds. I’m serious. They could be sewing large labels on small-sized clothing, to drive us all insane, and destroy the American way of life. Hey ladies. Do you really think you went from a size nine to a twelve in the past three weeks? I just bought a ski hat and a pair of matching gloves. The hat is so tight it gives me headaches, and the gloves look like they’re made for baby hands.
I was at the supermarket yesterday, and everything seemed so tiny. Didn’t gallons of ice cream used to be enormous? I got home, put a scoop on a piece of apple pie, decided on a second, looked down, and the tub was empty! Can someone please tell me what happened to yogurt. I’m now eating three or four of those thimble sized containers at a time! Last week I bought a bag of bite-sized candy bars. Bite-sized for what? A mouse? They looked like M & M’s in my hand. I ate two or three at a time.
Maybe things aren’t really shrinking. Could I be getting bigger? Now that I think about it, it makes sense. I’ve been reading about all the growth hormones being added to the feed of steers, pigs and chickens; and I have been eating a lot of meat. Just yesterday I broke my bathroom scale, and had a group of small children point up at me, scream, and run away. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I love Chinese Buffets, fast food and donuts, and can eat an entire piazza by myself. I guess, I better start buying XXL shirts, and hope for the best.