I got some Spam today. No, I’m not talking about those anonymous, obnoxious, electronic messages that overwhelm our E-mail. I’m talking about that mysterious canned meat that’s been around since 1937. How many of you have eaten Spam at least once? If you have, can you tell me what it really is? Just whisper the answer. Is it……… people?
The label says it’s made of pork shoulder, ham meat, salt, water, modified potato starch, and sodium nitrate. I don’t believe it! I’ve eaten it for years, meticulously examined its color, smell and texture, and even used a magnifying glass to try to identify the thousands of tiny particles imbedded in the firm, yet spongy pink flesh. I still don’t have a clue. I do know three things about Spam. The first is that it’s not good for you. If you happen to consume an entire can, be sure to quickly eat a handful of aspirin, and put 911 on speed dial. The second is my dog won’t eat it; and he eats everything. The third thing I learned is, it’s not only extremely addictive, but delicious in some crazy, sick and twisted way I don’t fully understand. I’m not sure if it contains some psychoactive drugs from toad skins, but every time I pass it in the store, I hear it calling me.
“Hey big guy. Yeah, you. The one who looks like he could eat a horse. Just reach, over, grab us, put us in your cart, and everything will be fine.”
I’ve always wondered how Spam got its name. A friend told me it’s “Maps” spelled backwards. He said the original cans had maps that showed locations of the nearest hospitals if you got salmonella. I don’t think that’s true, but I do know one thing. I’ll bet if you were stranded, either at the Donner Pass in Utah during a blizzard or in a plane crash high in the Andes Mountains of South America; spam might come in handy. Especially, if you were lost in subzero temperatures with a plane-load of overweight people on their way to have life-saving bariatric surgery. Those ten or twenty cans of spam you stashed in your carry on, might just be the difference between eventual rescue and….. and…… Sorry, its just too horrible to contemplate.
Before I go, I do have one bit of advice. If happen to buy spam, and that tab breaks off when you try to open it; just through the can away. I know two people who lost a finger trying to pry that sucker open!