Driving Me Crazy (#118)


Do any of you have a fear of driving? I do. I remember years ago, loving to drive, but lately I hate it. There’s just too many crazy drivers out there. I was even recently diagnosed with a rare malady called, “rednectabudtexttaphobia.” I learned it’s the fear of being run down by a redneck in a pickup, who’s holding a can of Budweiser in one hand and texting on his cell phone with the other!

Lately, I’ve driven more for my job, and have a few observations. I think women are better drivers than men. I’m serious. If you men don’t believe me then try this sometime. Get in your car and head for the nearest major highway. Now speed up to let’s say……… one-hundred miles per hour. As you’re flying down the highway in your Honda Prius, or other small foreign-made car, close in on the car in front of you until you’re six inches off their rear bumper. Are you okay so far? Now that you’re comfortable, pull out makeup, your cell phone, a cigarette, and an egg McMuffin you bought earlier. Now, here comes the tough part. Simultaneously put on makeup, text your friends, eat breakfast, and get your nicotine fix while still riding the bumper in front of you at one-hundred miles per hour. Not so easy is it?

Have you noticed when you see an elderly couple in a car, the man is always driving? I think the woman would love to drive, but she doesn’t feel like hearing her significant other complain the entire trip about her driving skills. She’s probably sitting quietly in the passenger seat thinking to herself as they’re cruising down the road at a sedate twenty-two miles per hour in a fifty-five mile per hour zone.

“Come on you old fart. Put that pedal to the metal.”

Have you ever seen widows drive? It’s like they couldn’t wait to get behind the wheel. Their husband isn’t even cold yet, and they’re already driving half way across the country to visit the Grand Canyon. Ask them how they feel, and you’ll hear something like,

“Yeah, Wilbur had a good life and I really miss him. Now get the heck out of my way. I have some driving to do.”

Is it just me or are cars getting smaller these days? Some of the cars on the roads are so small  I expect them to stop, and see thirty or forty clowns climb out. Have you ever been in one of those tiny fuel-efficient cars and had a fifty thousand pound, eighteen-wheeled death machine looming up in your rear-view mirror? You can’t even warn the trucker that you’re there because your horn sounds like an eight year old girl giggling. The trucker in his cab is looking down at you, scratching his head, and thinking,

“What the heck. How in the world did one of those kid’s remote controlled race cars get on the highway?”

Sometimes I wonder why they even call it driving anymore. Half the time you’re either stuck in traffic or you’re sitting at red lights or stop signs. Instead of driving, why don’t they just call it,

“Ahhhhhhh…….just kill me now.” I think it sounds a lot better. What do you think?

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About Patrick Dykie

I'm a simple, middle class family man, living a quiet life in eastern Pennsylvania with my wife and two sons. I love to write and make people laugh. During the day, I'm an account representative, and at night I'm working hard to be a writer. I've faced some things over the past few years that have slowed me down in my dreams, but I have always been an optimist. I also have a love of life, and believe it is a precious gift. I wish you all well on your own journeys.
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One Response to Driving Me Crazy (#118)

  1. Pickleope says:

    I agree with all of this, including the fear. I HATE driving. If I ever somehow become rich, purchase 1 will be an armor plated limo that’s auto-driven like a Google car.

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