Did any of you see that movie last year called, “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter?” My first thought when I heard about it was, “Wow, who would have known. Between freeing the slaves, fighting the Civil War, and writing the Gettysburg Address; where did he find the time. No wonder in pictures he always looked so tired. He was up, burning the midnight oil, keeping America safe from Vampires.”
I guess parents shouldn’t be surprised when little Johnnie comes home with an F on his history test, because he wrote that one of Lincoln’s greatest accomplishments was killing eight, blood-sucking Vampires in a single night! Is nothing sacred anymore. I just saw a new movie came out. It seems, little Hansel and Gretel, who were severely traumatized as children by a child-eating Witch in a gingerbread house are all grown up. They’re now traveling the world taking out every black clad, broom flying, and cat loving Witch they can find. It seems a little harsh, don’t you think? They already stuffed one in an oven, for Heaven’s sake. Can’t we all just get along. What’s next; “George Washington, Zombie Eliminater?” I guess the ax he had, wasn’t just for chopping down cherry trees. Not even some of my favorite fairy tales are safe. I watched an updated take on the story of Little Red Riding Hood. She’s now twenty, hot, and dealing with a big bad wolf, who must be on the Atkins Diet, because after finishing with grandma, he’s eating everybody else!
Thankfully, no one’s been messing with all the cute nursery rhymes I heard as a child. Of course with Obama care, the little old lady who lived in a shoe, and had so many children she didn’t know what to do, can now get free birth control. To be honest, there are a few nursery rhymes that could be updated to fit into modern society. Do any of you remember Old Mother Hubbard who went to the cupboard to get her poor doggie a bone? When she got there the cupboard was bare. Do you know why? Because Social Security increases aren’t keeping up with inflation, and they keep raising her Medicare deductibles. I think even the famous children’s nursery rhyme about Jack and Jill may soon be upgraded to something like this. “Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and suffered a subdural hematoma, and Jill came tumbling after. They then smoked some medical marijuana and didn’t feel a thing.”