I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it seems every day we hear about something new that is slowly but surely killing us. I just heard buttered microwave popcorn can cause respiratory distress resulting in possible death, too much couch activity and overeating can lead to an early grave, and the Super Bowl can create levels of stress, great enough to result in a swift and certain visit from the Grim Reaper. I guess I’m in big trouble!
There was a time when you definitely knew what would kill you. If you smoked, drank alcohol, ate greasy food, didn’t exercise, or forgot a wedding anniversary; your days were numbered. These days it’s a little tricky. Now you can die from second-hand smoke, and recent scientific studies have shown that one billion Chinese factory workers, furiously puffing cigarettes on their five-minute lunch break is killing people on the other side of the world. If you can believe this; I just read that soda and snack, vending machines can kill you! I’m serious. Some poor, starving guy with low blood sugar, who had to work through lunch was furiously shaking one to get the last stuck bag of Doritos when it toppled over, and crushed him. I do have one bit of good news. States are starting to legalize the use of marijuana. I guess it doesn’t destroy brain cells, slow reaction time, damage your lungs, and make us act stupid. Just don’t let that bale you’re unloading into your basement, fall on top of you. I’m pretty sure it can kill you!
I just wish all those scientists with brains so big, they carry their heads around in wheelbarrows, would make up their minds about what will kill us. I went on a diet recently, lost a lot of weight in a short time, and had my doctor tell me to slow down. He said that losing too much weight, too fast will kill you. Thank God I can now eat dark chocolate, drink wine in moderation, drink huge cups of Dunkin Donuts coffee, and load up on sugar, without having waiting ambulances parked in my driveway. I know sugars not the greatest thing to eat, but those artificial sweeteners, and high-fructose corn syrups will really kill you. It was hard enough giving up tanning booths, red meat, sleeping too much, and Salmonella encrusted spinach, but now I can’t, even get sick, and go to a hospital. Do you know hospitals are filled with antibiotic resistant super-bugs that will kill you if your immune system is weakened? That’s crazy! I guess the only thing, I’m sure will kill me is old age. While I’m waiting for it, could you please hand me that Bong. I just got some great weed from California. Just be careful. If you drop it on your foot, it may kill you.