I was putting on a pair of socks the other day, and just happened to pause to look at my extremely hideous pair of bipedal appendages. Is it just me, or are feet really ugly? It’s a good thing we’re normally born head first. I know that if we all came out feet first, many couples would undoubtedly decide not to have children. Either that or husbands would refuse to be in the delivery room, and doctors would be demanding hazard pay.
Do you know there are doctors, called Podiatrists who specialize in the care and health of feet? You have to wonder who these men and women are, who spend their entire working lives looking at, and touching feet? Are they insane? Are they all blind and perform their job with the aid of specially trained seeing eye dogs that for some reason enjoy the sight and smell of feet? As they closely study the shape, form, and contours of people’s feet, what do you think is going through their minds? I doubt a male Podiatrist is thinking to himself,”Wow, what a lovely, well-formed appendage. “No, he’s thinking, “Ralph, you can get through this. Just keep repeating. Six digit salary, new porche, fifty foot sailboat and a gorgeous, blonde wife who’s twenty-three.
It seems crazy, but I found out that a lot of people love feet. Did you ever hear of “Podophilia?” It’s when you have sexual urges, uncontrollable arousal, or fantasies about feet. I wonder if there are men out there who meet women, learn about their incredible intelligence and sparkling personality, notice their magnificent smile, and the way they carry themselves, gaze deeply into their gentle eyes as if staring into their very soul, and then say, “Excuse me, but do you think you could take off your shoes?” I can tell you that feet weren’t made to be looked at. Why do you think someone invented shoes? I’ll bet you, a Cro-Magnon Man was walking along and just happened to look down at his feet, and thought,”What the heck! Man, that’s nasty. I better sew some animal skins together and hide those bad boys.”
I hate to say this, but I think my wife may have a foot fetish. I’m not kidding. Lately she’s been offering to give me foot massages. She even asked if I wanted to go with her next time to get a pedicure. My socks have also been disappearing, and I’ve been forced to walk around the house in my bare feet. With all these exposed feet around our house, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that my wife has really been frisky lately. The bad news is that I’ve lost my appetite, and I haven’t been able to eat for three days. Darn my ugly feet.