Have any of you took the time to really observe the outrageous behavior of monkeys? All they ever do is eat and sleep, vocalize their feelings with high-pitched screams, run around all over the place in a weird swinging gait, constantly groom themselves, throw things, and mate wildly and indiscriminately. Hey wait a minute! I think I just described the behavior of the housemates on the last season of “Jersey Shore!”
Did any of you see the ”Planet of the Apes” movie last year? It’s very depressing. All the humans get their butts kicked by a bunch of Chimpanzees and Gorillas. It’s like getting in a bar fight, and having Vinny, Ronnie, and Pauly D from ”Jersey Shore” mercilessly put a serious beat down on you while hundreds of hot chicks are watching. Do you remember the original movie with Charlton Heston? My favorite line is when Heston, who plays Taylor, finally speaks. His first words are, “Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape.” You know what’s funny? That’s the same line my wife’s been using on me lately when I get a little too frisky. Did you ever notice how humans seem to be fascinated by monkeys? Go to any zoo or safari park and you’ll see large crowds clustered around the monkey enclosures, or driving their cars through hordes of mean, nasty, food stealing, car destroying monkeys. How about those packs of ugly, disgusting, butt scratching baboons with the huge teeth, howling roars and fetid bad breath? Kind of reminds you of your boss who got in your face the other day after you didn’t meet his ridiculous expectations; doesn’t it?
Have you ever heard the saying, “More fun than a barrel of monkeys?” Have any of you ever opened up an enclosed barrel, crammed full of assorted, hungry and extremely agitated monkeys? I can tell you from personal experience, it’s not very fun. Why do women sometimes use the phrase, “Hey handsome, would you like to monkey around?” My wife always says this, and I usually end up disappointed. Our evening usually entails loaves of her famous banana bread, the meticulous checking of my hair for lice and ticks, and making love quickly, and should I say awkwardly on a swing set in our back yard. I have a secret to tell you. I think my wife’s trying to make a monkey out of me. I know that all wives try to do it to their husbands, but this is different. You see, she’s a highly intelligent, and world-famous geneticist. She’s been working for years on what’s called “de-evolutionary science.” It’s the study of the regressing of modern man’s genes back to when we were primitive apes. I think she’s been slipping something into my morning OJ. Wait a second. My wife’s calling me. “Yes dear, bananas for dinner tonight sounds great. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Honey, have you seen my electric razor? I don’t know what it is, but my back hair is getting out of control.”