I was taking a walk early this morning with my dog, Chase, in almost unbelievably bitter and debilitating cold. The streets were deserted, except for the two of us, as people huddled inside their homes. It was so cold, burglars were hauling TV’s, into houses, just so they could warm up a little. I even heard that Minks, Ermines, and Foxes were throwing themselves around the necks of fashionably dressed women to survive the intense cold spell.
I’ve always loved cold weather, but I have one problem. I’ve had trouble finding those black knit ski hats with the two holes for eyes, and the small opening for your mouth. I loved wearing them as a kid. Every Christmas I ask for one, but my wife says she can never find them. After a long walk in frigid winter weather, I inevitably end up with a frozen face, that looks like Joan Rivers after her latest plastic surgery. I sometimes have to use a hair dryer just to thaw my face enough to blink! The other day my wife bought me something she called a “Face Scarf.” You still wear a hat, but put the scarf around your lower face and over your nose. I threw it away. It was just too darn complicated. I’m a man, for heaven’s sake. I have enough trouble dealing with one piece of fashionable headwear, let alone two.
The strange thing is, I was watching the evening news, and there doesn’t seem to be a shortage of black knit ski hats among burglars, bank robbers, muggers, terrorists, and members of the group Hamas in the Middle East. Do you think I may have to turn to a life of crime, just to get a black knit ski hat? I just saw a newscast where thousands of men were marching in the Gaza Strip. They were all wearing green fatigues and black knit ski hats, as they shot bullets from AK 47′s into the air. I’ll bet, even Osama Bin laden had a drawer full of black knit ski hats before he met his ultimate demise. How in the world can there be untold numbers of knit ski hats in places that are so hot, camels are at Wal-Mart buying fans and air conditioners, and I’m forced to wear Halloween masks to keep from having my face freeze solid. I will say this, though. No one seems to bother me when I’m plodding down the street wearing six layers of clothing and a hockey mask.