I don’t know about you, but I try to avoid using public restrooms. Maybe I’m just unlucky, but I always seem to enter one about five minutes after a desperate man runs in after just getting back from a two-week Mexican vacation.
Did you ever wonder why they’re called restrooms? Except for the homeless guy sleeping in the third stall from the end, I don’t see very many people resting. It’s not like they have someone at the front door handing out pillows and blankets as you walk in. I can tell you one thing. My eyes are wide open when I’m in a public restrooms. You won’t see me getting much rest. Did any of you ever slip and fall in a public restroom? What did you do? If you’re anything like me, you ran home, took a two-hour shower, and burned all your clothes. Did any of you ever get mugged in a public restroom? I was once in a stall when a hand with a gun poked under the divider from the next stall. The guy said, “Give me your wallet, or I’ll shoot you in the ankles.” Do you know what it’s like, trying to retrieve your wallet with your pants crumpled up around your ankles? It’s not a pretty sight. To add insult to injury, the mugger did the worst thing humanly possible. He took what was left of my toilet paper. I still have nightmares just thinking about it. I said to him, ”Come on man. Here’s some credit cards and a picture of my wife in revealing lingerie. Take them all, but for the love of God, please leave the TP.”
Have you ever taken a moment to look at some of the public restroom signs? Don’t you think some of them are a little sexist? Come on sign people. This is modern America! What’s with the sign showing a woman wearing a dress and a man wearing pants? It’s confusing to some people. Have you ever been in San Francisco? I’ll bet they sometimes have trouble choosing which restroom to use. Most of the women are wearing pants, half the men are wearing dresses, and a few people……….. Let’s just say, I have no idea. I’ve even seen public restroom signs that show a man, a woman and a child holding hands. I was told they’re what’s called, “Family Bathrooms.” Do you think you might hear something like this outside one? “Hey, Uncle Joe and Aunt Myrtle. Take a look at this family bathroom. It’s huge. Why don’t we get my wife, my six kids, cousin Clem, and my brothers sextuplets and all go in together?” I also hate the layout of men’s bathrooms. Right as you walk in, is a baby changing station. They always seem to be covered in cobwebs. I guess all the guys who don’t change diapers at home, aren’t doing it at Wal-Mart. All you ladies should be glad you have all those stalls to go in and lock the door. In the men’s restroom we have just a few stalls and dozens of urinals lined up along the wall about a foot apart. Some don’t even have dividers between them. I don’t know what it is, but I sometimes have trouble going when the guy two inches from me is eight feet tall, has hands like hams, and facial tattoos.