I was watching TV this past weekend, and I must have seen fifty infomercials for new and effective exercise programs, strange and complicated body-toning machines, and frenetic dance videos.
I know I should exercise more, but I sometimes wonder; what’s the point. I figure, if I get too out of shape, there’s always the “Scooter Store.” I often say, “If God wanted us to exercise there wouldn’t be comfortable recliners, TV remotes, chips, beer, and NFL Football.” Thousands of years ago, we had to exercise. To survive a harsh and brutal environment, we had to spend hours, meticulously gathering food or chasing down our next meal. Today, all we need to do is pick up the phone and Papa John’s in the house! Why should I exercise? I have the Internet, a car to get me around, and my kids and dog to fetch things for me. I did, used to exercise down in my basement. I have every device ever invented by man to help sculpt my body into a classic and formidable Geek God. Oh, oh. I think I figured out why I wasn’t getting results. I think it’s supposed to be a ”Greek God,” not a geek one. I was wondering why I wasn’t building muscle mass, and was acquiring a strange affinity for pocket protectors and Star Trek movies.
How many of you like to workout on treadmills? I always wondered who invented such a diabolical machine. It’s insane, if you think about it. You get on, run as fast as you can for what seems like days, until you’re ready to collapse. After about an hour of this you stop, look around and realize something; you’re in the same place! Maybe I would do better if I had something to push me and keep me motivated. How about beer bottles with caps that are extremely difficult to remove, an obstacle course on the way to my refrigerator, or a remote that shocks me with ten thousand volts of electricity every time I try to use it. Last month, I thought I found a new way to lose weight without exercising. I had heard that we burn calories even while sleeping. I’m sorry to say this, but my twenty-three hours of sleep a day aren’t working. I seem to always wake up hungry, and I’m always short on time. Do you know how hard it is to eat eight thousand calories in one hour?
One of the greatest follies of modern living is undoubtedly exercising for the sake of it. What a waste! As you observe, what fun can there possibly be in running to get nowhere? Even jogging should be accompanied by some ulterior motive like snooping on the neighbours or peering pervingly at other joggers – then the chore becomes fun. If one MUST get exercise equipment, what about the bending and stretching type that involves lifting a stick and prodding it at balls on a table from different angles?
I din’t think of getting a pool table! Colonialist, thanks for the exercise tip. I’m not very good at pool, and I’ll be hitting the balls for a while.
Of course, in our climate another form of pool is the swimming one ten steps or so away from the house. I have a ball there all year – without a stick!