This past week I officially started my fourteenth, distinct and unique diet program. I’m working hard, but I’m not making as much progress as I’d like. I think my problem is Wil Power. Actually, Wil’s a good friend of mine, who owns an incredible Italian restaurant. Their specialty is the most amazing home-made pastas, and their Gnocchi (dumplings) are to die for.
Over the years, I’ve tried almost every diet and weight-loss program, including: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, The Mediterranean Diet, Nutrisystem, Atkins, The South Beach Diet, The Zone, Macrobiotic based diets, others based on the glycemic index, foods eaten by cavemen, and the eating of raw foods. I even tried a number of fad diets such as the Baby Food Diet, and the Peanut Butter Diet. After all my failures, I’ve decided to come up with my own diet programs. The first diet, I call the “Kindergartener Diet.” The diet involves volunteering in a daycare or a kindergarten class where young kids are always brutally honest. Imagine some of the innocent and yet honest comments I’ll hear and use to motivate myself to lose weight. Some of the comments may include: ”Mister, you’re fatter than my daddy. Excuse me mister, Mrs. Smith says you’re so fat, because you probably ate a horse. Mister, do you work at a circus?” Get the idea? I’m already starting to feel my metabolism increasing, my appetite being suppressed, and those stubborn pounds beginning to melt away.
My second diet plan, I call the “Naked Diet.” I would like to warn you though, that it should only be used as a last resort. All you need to get started is a large, full-length mirror. Stand in front of the mirror with as many lights on as possible, close your eyes, take a deep breath, quickly remove all your clothing, and then open your eyes. I tried the “Naked Diet” last week, and I’m happy to say that I have already lost eight pounds. After looking at my naked body in the full light of day, and with God as my only witness, it seems that I’ve completely lost my appetite. As a matter-of-fact, I can’t even stand the sight of food; especially big, white, fluffy marshmallows. There is one problem though that I didn’t anticipate. My wife and son walked in on me while I was in front of the mirror. The good news is their therapist has informed me, they’ll both be making a full recovery.