Unchangeable Laws of the Universe (#126)

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     We’re all aware of the many unchangeable laws of Physics that govern the intricate and phenomenal workings of the universe, and thus our everyday lives. We all learned in school about Sir Issac Newton’s experiments with apples to determine the effects of gravity, or his third law that states,

“For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

I’m not an expert on physics, but I think it means, don’t beep your horn at the huge guy in the pickup truck in front of you who looks like a grizzly bear wearing a baseball cap. I know you’re late for that appointment, but the gun rack, empty beer bottles in the truck bed and the confederate flag on the rear window, may just give you a clue to take a deep breath, and relax. I do know about Albert Einstein’s famous “Law of Relativity.” It means that without fail, every distant relative you haven’t seen all year will show up on your doorstep unannounced on Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.

I decided to write down a few of the other immutable laws that we don’t read too much about, but inevitably seem to rule our lives. Continue reading

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Are We There Yet? (#125)

I received a GPS for Christmas this past year. I didn’t think I needed one. If I happen to get lost, I have the always dependable and convenient “MILIBS” Navigational System. It’s more commonly known as the “Mother-in-Law in Back Seat” Directional Finder; and do you know what? According to her, in almost twenty long years, she’s never been wrong. To be honest, I sometimes want to be lost! I don’t want some complicated, futuristic computer with a disembodied voice, telling me to turn left into my mother-in-law’s driveway. Heck, I may just slow down, push her out the door, watch her roll onto her lawn, hit the gas, wave goodbye, and head west at ninety miles per hour; until I either run out of gas or the cops pull me over. Continue reading

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Mexican Food and Fire Hoses (#124)

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How many of you love Mexican Food? I’ll bet most of you, are either raising your hands or emphatically shaking your heads, yes. I love it too, but I have one question. Is it just me, or is the food incredibly spicy and hot? When you’re finished with your meal, do you sometimes dial 911, report a fire, and spend the next hour being hosed down by the local volunteer fire department?

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Howdy Neighbor (#123)

I recently had new neighbors move in next door. I don’t know about you, but I usually don’t get a nice, elderly couple, with no grandkids, who spend their time meticulously maintaining their yard, napping on a back-yard swing, or baking delicious apple pies. I inevitably end up watching the Griswold family unload a U-Haul truck, as twelve kids run around like wild animals. Dad is usually carrying a giant aquarium with an eight foot Burmese python inside, Mom is simultaneously breast-feeding two toddlers on the front lawn, and six or seven pit bulls are destroying my flower beds.

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Turning into a Giant (#122)

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Is it just me, or have any of you noticed that everything seems to be shrinking these days? It’s either that, or I’m slowly but surely getting bigger. If this keeps up, I’ll be a giant in no time. By next year I’ll be shopping in the big and tall store, turning sideways to get through doorways, and possibly playing right offensive tackle for the Green Bay Packers. Even cars seem to be getting smaller. My wife just bought a Prius, and I pulled a muscle in my back squeezing in. It was so small, my head was nearly touching the roof and my stomach was pressed up against the steering wheel. I’m surprised there weren’t thirty or forty clowns jammed in the back seat, asking for a ride to the circus!

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The Simple Things (#121)

A-1Have any of you ever finished a fast food meal, went to throw the paper bag away, noticed it was a little heavy, shook it, and heard a familiar sound? Did you then reach in and find a few delicious, salty, crispy french-fries in the bottom, hidden under a napkin? This happened to me yesterday, and I’m not ashamed to say it brought a smile to my face. I’m not sure if it was because I live an uneventful, boring, and possibly pitiful life; but I’ve always taken great pleasure in the simple things in life. I wrote down a few of them. Maybe you can see yourself in some of these situations.

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Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam….. W-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l Spam (#120)

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I got some Spam today. No, I’m not talking about those anonymous, obnoxious, electronic messages that overwhelm our E-mail. I’m talking about that mysterious canned meat that’s been around since 1937. How many of you have eaten Spam at least once? If you have, can you tell me what it really is? Just whisper the answer. Is it……… people?

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Love Hurts (#119)

Have any of you ever wondered how a holiday celebrating simple, pure and innocent love, has turned into an orgy of chocolate consumption, over-priced roses that die the next day, expensive greeting cards most likely written by crack cocaine aficionados, E-Valentines, naked babies with wings, and huge, outrageously priced diamonds?

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Driving Me Crazy (#118)


Do any of you have a fear of driving? I do. I remember years ago, loving to drive, but lately I hate it. There’s just too many crazy drivers out there. I was even recently diagnosed with a rare malady called, “rednectabudtexttaphobia.” I learned it’s the fear of being run down by a redneck in a pickup, who’s holding a can of Budweiser in one hand and texting on his cell phone with the other!

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Losing That Comfortable Feeling (#117)

 

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Have any of you ever found the perfect set of clothes? You know the ones. They not only feel comfortable and fit perfectly, but they make you look fantastic! You could look like the Frankenstein Monster on a bad day, then put on the clothes and have paparazzi mistake you for a Hollywood movie star. Often, in our entire lives we may only find such clothes once or twice. I can tell you two things. Not only is it hard to find those clothes, but once you do, it’s almost impossible to keep them.

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